Kris Kringle A.K.A. Santa Clause
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Kris Kringle, a.k.a. Santa Clause. Who is this fat man in the red suit? Why is he always so happy? What exactly is he Ho-Ho-Ho-ing about all the time? I have noticed that there are a lot of people writing a letter to Santa around this time of year. Someone has even asked me if I have written my Santa letter. Why is everyone so fascinated by this fellow in the red suit? Is he some kind of cult leader? Has he hypnotized all my friends? I have decided to do some research and break this fellow down. I want to see if I can figure out whom he really is and what the fuss is all about.
He looks harmless enough. He is wearing a red suit with fur and big black boots. There is something funny about that hat as well. Check out the size of his belt. I have not seen a belt that wide since the seventies. I will start with the boots. They look like the kind of boots the nazi used to wear. He does not march in them so I assume this is a coincidence. Red pants and a red coat. Could he be a member of his majesty's continental colonial army? Well, since they were disbanded by a bunch of American farmers and freedom fighters, I will have to assume he is not. Maybe he lives where it is very cold and he likes the color red. That could be it.
My research reveals that Santa Clause lives at the North Pole so I was right about the coat. I booked the last flight out to the North Pole and found this guy's hide out. At first, I thought he had captured a bunch of children and was making them work in some sort of evil factory, perhaps building bombs but upon closer inspection, it is just a bunch of midgets and dwarfs. It looks like they are making bombs all right. They are making bombs that are cleverly disguised as toys. What a sick, twisted, evil plot.
I have just figured out that these are not midgets and dwarves after all. I snuck up on one and hit him over the head. I dragged him to my camp and tied him up to interrogate him. He told me he was an elf, gave me his name, his rank, and his serial number, and then just vanished into thin air. There are three possibilities here. I am under the influence of some kind of hallucination drug. I have a severe case of jetlag. He is really an elf and elves can vanish, I guess. I believe it is the third option because of his pointed ears, and his pointy shoes. He has to be either an elf, or a Vulcan. Vulcan's don't exist so..., he's an elf.
This Santa Clause guy wears a red suit, lives at the North Pole, has a bunch of elves, and he builds toys. I have also just discovered that he talks to animals. He was talking to what appeared to be a reindeer with a very shiny nose. That is very suspicious. I will keep an eye on that.
Today is December 24 and there is a lot of activity going on at the North Pole. While trying to uncover just who this guy named Santa Clause really is I have figured out some very interesting facts. He gets a lot of mail. Most of his mail comes from children. I watched him through a window where he was sitting in his study by a nice cozy fire, eating cookies and checking some kind of list. Meanwhile, those elves are filling a bunch of sacks with toys and loading them up on a giant sleigh of some kind. If my suspicions are correct, he is going to take those toys to a warehouse. It is probably a front for some illegal government swindle. He will sell the toys without paying taxes using kidnapped elves for slave labor. I have to get on that sleigh somehow. It will be tricky but I have to try.
I dressed myself up in a Raggedy Andy suit and waited in a corner until the elves shoved me into a sack and put me on the sleigh. This guy named Santa Clause is going from house to house and putting the toys under a tree. He is giving away the toys and all he gets is some milk and cookies. I guess this guy is okay after all. I jumped out of the sleigh in my neighborhood. I have to hurry inside. I want to write a letter to Santa Clause so I can get my present next year too!
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